I cannot take the darkness I see all around, the pain that is inside me, and seen in countless eyes of others.  Is this worth it?  Will I look back on this time with a sad smile, knowing it made me who I am?  Or is it just the end?
I had a semi-rough day today, but I hear about the days of others, and figure that I don't have it so bad.  A friend's sister went in for her 19 week pregnancy checkup, and there was no heartbeat.  They think the baby died three weeks ago, she is now in labor to deliver her child, her dead child.  How would it feel knowing you were giving birth to someone that wasn't alive?  How do you move on from that?  Will she hold the child?  Or will it go untouched and unseen by its parents? 
I don't want to live in a world like the one I live in.  One of secret friendships, one sided love, and death.  Could this be the end?  I feel like this bit of darkness has pushed me to the edge, and I'm not scared to jump.  I'm not afraid to OD, shoot myself, gas myself, etc.  I'm ready to go, but how do I know that this is really my time.  I have no fear, but there isn't clarity, either.
So, I say goodbye, unsure if it is just for the night, week, month, year, or forever.  I don't know if I can go on...

As some of you know, I ODed last Monday.  I go into what I took because honestly, I'm not 100% sure.  I remember taking 5 extra klonopin on Monday morning and then heading to a nonexisting meeting.  No one had bothered to call me and tell me, so I was a little upset, but the anger was manageable. 
Then I came home and got really anxious about not being at my sister's wedding, her moving out, etc.  I took a few more pills (not 100%) sure what kind.  A little while went by, and I wasn't feeling much better, so I took a few  more, and then a more, etc.
I had a meeting to go to later that day, so I got behind the wheel and drove to the meeting site (about 15-20 minutes away).  I thought I was driving badly, but I found it kind of funny.  I didn't think I was driving that bad, but it was definitely a lot harder to stay in my lane than usual.  But still thought nothing of it.  I got to my meeting and decided I needed to tell someone what had happened, so I decided to tell a staff person I am close to, but I asked to talk to her as a person, not a staff person.  I told her what happened, and I think that I shocked her, and that she didn't know what to do.  She walked away telling me she was going to tell her supervisor, and I followed.
What followed was a conversation with the supervisor, a call to 911, some questions asked by the paramedics, a lot of cops (don't know why they were there, I was resistant), a ride in an ambulance, and 5-6 hours in the ER (lab work was done, but I didn't need an IV, meds, my stomach pumped, etc).  I also had to do an assessment for PHP the next morning, and it was decided that I didn't need to be in PHP.
It total, I think I took 12-15 pills, which is considered an overdose, and I am lucky that nothing happened, other than my blood pressure going really high.  I was scared on Monday, I was more annoyed than anything.  I didn't feel like I needed to be in the ER, and I thought the whole thing was silly.  As a condition of my release from the hospital, I was to give all my meds to my dad, and all OTC meds were to be hidden from me.  It sucks having to ask my dad for my meds, but that isn't the biggest issue I'm having with the whole thing.
I could have died from the OD or driving.  I could have hurt other people.  There is no trust between me and my dad, right now.  I'm being treated like a child, and I honestly deserve to be treated worse.  I don't really believe in God, but I am so thankful to the Universe for not letting this be worse than it was.
Please be safe, and know that an OD effects more people than you realize.
~L